


Law of Unintended Wozzats

by lyricwritesprose



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angels not knowing how to human, Gen, Guess The Author, Humor, cw alcohol, cw very oblique possible reference to fatphobia, slight non-linearity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26743456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricwritesprose/pseuds/lyricwritesprose
Summary: An underling of Gabriel has a bright idea concerning a piece of human technology.  Well, it was designed and built by the humans.  The initial seed of inspiration may have come from somewhere else.  Written for the prompt, "I had no idea that would happen!"
Comments: 32
Kudos: 85
Collections: SOSH - Guess the Author #06 "I Had No Idea That Would Happen!"





	Law of Unintended Wozzats

“I did  _ not _ know it was going to do that!” Levanael said, panicking somewhat. It had seemed like such a good idea. Gabriel liked running. Gabriel disliked Earth. If lun could get the Gabriel a way to run without involving Earth, lun would get in good with the  _ boss, _ which would mean advancement, opportunities, a secretary of lun’s own—

Gabriel pushed himself off the floor. There was a shadow of danger in the movement, and Levanael thought for a moment that both the machine and lunself might be swiftly but painfully discorporated. Instead of blasting anything out of existence, though, Gabriel glared at the device, and then at Levanael. “Are you  _ sure _ you put this—contraption—together correctly?”

Levanael wasn’t. Levanael had, in fact, paid a human some five thousand pounds to put it together for lun, because the instructions had apparently been translated from Japanese to English by way of Diné or ancient Etruscan, and the original language had not been included in the packaging. “Absolutely certain,” Levanael said. “It may be a fault in the programming.” Lun tried to step onto the smooth black belt.

Unfortunately, since nobody had actually turned the treadmill  _ off, _ it was still running at the highest possible speed, and Levanael landed in a heap at Gabriel’s feet.

Gabriel looked less like a thundercloud now that someone else had fallen as well. He didn’t give Levanael a hand up, of course. “The machine is obviously faulty,” he offered. “I’m surprised you didn’t spot it. Take it away, er, Levael, and find me a different one. Oh, and see if you can get it in white this time, would you? This black color—” He carefully did  _ not _ touch the treadmill. “It’s all a bit, well, demonic, isn’t it? Not that I expect any actual demons had anything to do with this, but it’s bad optics.”

Gabriel was, in fact, entirely wrong about the last assumption. “Almos’ feel guilty abou’ it,” a demon slurred to an angel in a London bookshop.

“Wazzat?”

“Eskersize—ezzercide—jobs tha’ you run on. Izza super—superiory temptation, right? You run on ‘em, makes you  _ better.” _

“I do  _ not,” _ the angel said.

“Not  _ you _ you, you  _ you. _ Run on ‘em, feel better’n everyone, boom, pride. But all this stuff with weight, whose idea was weight? Not mine. I’m! I’m just trynasay. You get a bad idea, right, you give it to the humans, and then they do  _ stuff _ with it, and I—din’ know they were gonna do  _ that. _ It’s a law of—lot of—law of unintended wozzats.”

“Bad idea, though,” the angel said, in the tones of someone delivering a compliment. “Absotootly infernal.”

“Thanks, Angel,” the demon sighed, sinking deeper into his chair.

That moment, in Heaven, was when Gabriel first set foot on the treadmill. And without even knowing why, Crowley felt a profound glow of satisfaction.

It was probably just the wine.


End file.
